This morning on the way to pick up snacks for this weekends event, I found myself crying to one of Amy Grant’s songs – not sure what it’s called, but I would title it “Why?” It’s been a while since I’ve heard this song; the first time I remember hearing it was probably the same time of year. It had been a year since some friends of ours had lost their baby girl shortly after birth due to a heart defect that was not solved by surgery. It was a few days before or after Christmas that we attended the visitation for her funeral. It’s usually around this time of year that Father reminds me to pray for them. As the song says “Somewhere down the road, there’ll be answers to the questions.” Loss of any kind can leave us with questions and doubts.
So this rememberance of my dear friend’s loss brought on the tears. And then my mind began to recall the pain that my own family members had suffered from losses in their lives. And in my brief 40 years of life I’ve had my own personal pain of loss and dissapointments. The quick recollection of the pain and grief associated with these rememberances of others and myself was surprising to me.
Although I had pulled up to the store, I tried to be unhurried with my tears. There’s been times in my life when I’ve exclaimed “I don’t have time to cry!!” and that in itself was painful (although not bearing the truth…). And usually when I have begun to cry, I try to shut them down quickly, believing that in some way I’ve lost control or am weak to express emotion in this way. Several months ago in church we had just sat down (a little late..) and begun worshiping the Lord in song and I immediately began to weep. So disturbed with myself I asked my Heavenly Father “what’s up with this? I look like such an idiot!” His response was interesting…it went something like this, “Stacy, these are tears of joy for My Spirit inside you is identifying/rejoicing/celebrating/acknowledging Me.” For He cannot deny His own. Well, tears of JOY!?? I’ll take that!!! And who am I to argue when He defines something for me?
So today I’m rejoincing in allowing my tears to be unhurried. No doubt I could have sat their longer and possibly even recollected more. But perhaps my release of these tears was just enough to bring more healing. And to recognize the compassion I do have for others, especially my beloved family.
Shalom to my dear loved ones and myself.